Dealing With One Of My Shame-Triggers
In general I’m a very disciplined, determined and driven person but there is one self-sabotaging habit that triggers a lot of shame. Binge-watching Netflix. Now, when I say binge-watching, I really mean binge-watching. I am capable of watching 4 entire seasons of 20 episodes each averaging 40 minutes. Do the math. 20 * 40 minutes = 800 mins = 13.3 hours * 4 = 53.3 hours out of a 70 hours weekend (6pm Friday to 6am Monday).
Shame and Guilt Trigger Sabotaging Self-Talk
This weekend I didn’t go all out, by all means. I watched “Limitless” – a great show! – which only consist of 1 season with 22 episodes, approx. 40 mins each. I started watching on Friday evening at 8pm and finished on Saturday morning at 11am. I did LOVE the show while I was watching it but as soon as I closed the browser shame and guilt were staring me down.
2019 is supposed to be my big year, I have this big goal and I’m determined to make it work…. or maybe not? Maybe I’m just all dreams and talk? After all, the year is not even a week old and I’m already wasting my time watching a stupid show? Clearly I can’t be serious about my goal. Quite obviously I’m not willing to do what it takes if I can’t even go a week without wasting a full day. … About a year ago I probably would have gone on forever, unable to stop the shaming and self-sabotaging self-talk.
Compassion Interrupts the Pattern
One of the most important tools I’ve learnt on my self-love journey is compassion. Whenever I feel that I’m in distress, independent whether I bring it onto myself or based on external circumstances, I give myself the gift of compassion. I put my hands on my heart, close my eyes, tune in and just breath. This takes away the edge. To calm down I tell myself that everything is OK. It’s OK to feel the way I feel. No need to judge myself. No need to feel ashamed. All is well.
I specifically also had to reaffirm that my shame and guilt totally blew my sabotaging self-talk out of proportion. Yes, binging Netflix all the time obviously won’t get me to my goal. At the same time, doing that once won’t sabotage the entire endeavor either!
With that I felt a wave of compassion and comfort washing over me. Cleansing everything, clearing away the negativity and making room for better decisions and also asking better questions. Was there a reason why I binged in the first place? Was it simply because I really wanted to watch the show? Or am I scared of the gal and therefore was numbing?
Ending on a High Note and Taking Inspired Action
Getting to the bottom of the real questions important but there is no point in dwelling on what could have, should have been different. That moment has already past. The only way forward is onwards and upwards.
So to turn things around, I took a shower, napped for a couple of hours and made a healthy lunch. Then I downloaded the audible version of a ‘Miracle Morning’ by Hal Elrod and went for a 3 hours walk.
After that I felt much better and actually really inspired to put some effort into my goal and vision for this year! So sometimes, the things that trigger shame and guilt can even be a temporary ‘rock bottom’ that we sometimes need to be trigger change!